I hurt

I really hurt a lot. My heart is lost and I don’t know where to turn.

I have decided to wait before I decide, certainly to my own rezday and maybe to Freya’s which will pretty much mark a year of no contact. Nothing will ease the pain, the guilt the feelings of betrayal (although I feel that goes both ways)… but it may at least help my sanity.

A very painful dilemma

We’re nearly half way through May, and it’s been a long time since I have been able to make contact with Freya. She’s not logged into Second LifeTM since last year, and it’s killing me. We’ve been an item for over 6 years, and that’s no easy thing to give up… in SL terms, it’s a lifetime.

Lately, I am embracing my submissive side, and becoming a living doll in SL. I’ve found a wonderful Mistress who treats me well, and plays with me as a toy. She’s also very devoted to her partner in SL, putting her before me, as she should. (If she didn’t put her partner first, then I don’t think I’d have stayed.)

Sooner or later, I will have to make a choice. I love them both, and I put Freya above everything. But I can’t wait for ever. On the other hand, I am covering some of her tier, and if we part, she loses that and probably loses her home. I would feel a LOT better if only I could talk to her to discuss selling some of it… at least that will minimise the damage, But it’s been 5 months. I went to Freya after my previous partner had been missing for less than 2.

So I have a dilemma. Whatever I do, people are going to be hurt. And I think I will be hurt either way.

I should really be thinking of myself. I have my transgender treatments to consider and I can’t afford to waste money on someone who’s not there, but… it feels so much like betrayal. I love my Freya. I love her more than I love myself. I love her more than life.

I feel abandoned!

I am a doll cast into a corner, a slave who grew old and ugly. My heart aches. I miss her so much.

I need … I need attention…

Someone please, tell me what to do, because I am so lost in emotion right now.