Rainy days and the future

Funny how things go really. I left the house early today to get a bus to work because of the rain. (If you’ve ever ridden in heavy rain you’ll understand why). The first bus sped straight past without stopping, leaving me to wait 20 minutes for the next one. Suddenly my plan to not get soaked seemed a bit washed out. The next was however a few minutes early and I managed to get on the same connection as I would have for the earlier bus.

I’ll get to work early now and have time for a brew and to relax before I’m chained to the phone for another 8 hours of torture at the hands of clueless morons. I tell you, most of them – to use a Willisism – would benefit greatly from a spork to the eye. I don’t like the job, not as it is. I need stimulus, change, not this constant whining over the phone all the fucking time.

So as most of you know, I’m looking for a change of direction. A complete life change to an extent a lot of people will never even see, though it’s not that uncommon. Still, I need to get out of here and back into the city where I can, if nothing else, be myself again.

It will happen, and it will happen soon!

Monday Morning

So the weekend is over, and with it my two weeks off from work. It’s been pretty relaxing for the most part, a few days to just chill out, followed by a week in London, and then some time scooting around visiting family. And now, today back to work – I hope I’m ready for it!

I was up early this morning to get down to the clinic when it opened. I had some information for my GP regarding therapy and I wanted him to get it as soon as possible. I plan to give him a call later on to make sure everything is good and arrange an appointment. Get myself onto HRT as soon as possible.

Anyway, work’s not til 10:30 so I’m not in any particular hurry. It’s going to be a stressful day I know, but they always are. I really need to find a new job.

Home

Wednesday

And so the extended trip is done and I am home. My parents still don’t understand, and voices were raised on Tuesday night. They can’t get their minds round the fact that it’s something I need to do. They still insist it’s a choice and just something I want. I just hope that will change soon.

London was great, my friends, old and new were equally so. I can’t thank them enough for being so good to me.

Friday

So I’m up early-ish. I called my doctor to discuss my meds and am expecting a call back later. Hopefully sooner if you know what I mean. Being back home has been somewhat of a crash so far, but at least I’m not in work til Monday. It gives me a few days to ease myself back into this … well I’ll call it a life for lack of a better word… existence maybe.

I have some scratches on my left shin, not deep but painful. Meh, I’m such a wuss sometimes. So anyway, plans for today include shopping and speaking to my doctor this afternoon. Then, if time allows, maybe I’ll go see Watchmen this evening. I dunno yet, the road from here to where the cinema is, is not fun at night.

Parents then tomorrow, back sometime Sunday afternoon. It’ll be Mothers’ Day here in the UK, so I got to go play nice with them, which of course means betraying my own self. It’s only one day though I guess, and maybe this time next year I’ll be so far along it’ll be impossible for them to deny. We’ll see.

St. Patrick’s Day

And I got home, my holiday over for now. To stave off the loneliness I diverted my journey to my parents’ place to have a few St. Patrick’s Day drinks. I know they love me but annoying…

My mother is nagging to do my laundry from the week – she’s so in denial and I know how it would affect her if I accepted. It wouldn’t be fair on her.

So now I am in the local drinking Guinness with Dad. Today could take several courses and I am nervous.

Update

So here I am, sitting alone in Paddington station, nursing a beer. It’s way too early to be drinking, but it’s the only way to stop the tears. The emotions are just too strong for me to deal with.

This last week has been so incredible. The people – everyone – have been awesome, you know who you are, and I’ve had nothing but support from you all. Thank you.

I don’t think I actually need to say this, but… I love you all.

London trip – Day 7

Day 7, my last full day in London. I was supposed to be staying in to wait for some administrators to look at work being done in and around the flat, but it was cancelled. I stayed in touch with Emma and Michelle though, and after class, Michelle came over for company. I was half way through Batman Begins, so we watched the end together with coffee, while chatting to Emma over skype.

Once this was done, we headed up to Camden for shopping and browsing and really to enjoy the weather. We ended up in the garden at Quinns, the pub I was in on Saturday, with a bottle of merlot.

Later, we called in the supermarket for foodstuffs, and back at the flat, set to cooking a meal. Chicken stirfry with onions, peppers and mixed chinese leaves, and of course rice. My flatmate arrived in time to help us eat it with some wine and Memoirs of a Geisha, which neither of my companions had seen, on the tv.

Michelle left about 11, which was when the depression started to come back. Knowing that I have to go back to my old life, at least for a while. I’m leaving a few things here though – a token that I know I am coming back soon, but in all honesty, I don’t know how long it will be.

It’s now 10am on Tuesday 17th, St. Patrick’s Day and I will be leaving soon for the station where I’ll spend a couple of hours. My case is packed and all but the last minute bits are in my backpack for the journey. My train leaves Paddington at 12:45. I am struggling to hold back tears. This week has been one of freedom for me, like being released from prison after a long sentence. Today feels like going back. I hope and I pray that it will not be for long.

London trip – Days 5 & 6

Firstly an apology for not keeping up over the weekend, and for still not posting the pics from Friday night.

Anyways, Saturday morning was slow. I sat on the web and wrote up Friday night, relaxing and taking it easy, heading into town about midday. Met up with flatmate who was returning from an overnight stay at his girlfriends house, we had coffee and I dragged him round town shopping for a few hours. We caught some of the rugby of the television and got ready to go out for the evening.

This was interesting! We went to a pub in Camden called Quinns, where we settled down with a glass of Belgian beer while waiting for some other friends to show up, which about 20 minutes later, they did. Now, I had assumed that everyone was aware by now of what was going on, but I was wrong. One friend leaned over the partition to say hi, and his jaw hit the floor when he saw how I was dressed… (all in black, skinny tee shirt, a tight skirt to mid thigh, patterned tights and my tall boots, with a silver belt and accents). Still, he was good, it took just a few seconds for him to recover and all went great the rest of the night… He even hugged me when it was time to go. All in all another night made of pure WIN!

Sunday morning we went off to see another couple of old friends. My flatmate was picking up a new tv he’d bought, and I went along for the ride and to help where I could. Getting home it was sit around for the afternoon – letting my face relax from wearing makeup all week, and watched videos with pizza and wine til after midnight.

So now, Monday… my last full day here. Hoping to meet up with Michelle this afternoon in town to shop and have some fun. Flatmate may meet us after work, depending. If any SLers are in town, available this afternoon and are interested, then drop me an email (or a text if you have my number) and we’ll arrange a meetup. Be prepared to sit around drinking wine and coffee and putting up with me at my giggliest.

London trip – Day 4

Friday 13th March, perhaps unlucky for some, but not for me it seems. After a lazy morning, I headed up to Camden to meet Michelle. We had coffee, and then took a wander round Camden market. In the end, we didn’t get what we wanted, but who cares, we had fun looking, and trying things on. So much to see, and it was a good time to go as there was lots around.

We finished with some baked potatoes in some eco-café and headed back to the flat for me to get ready for the evening.

So, with Michelle heading home (I told her she should have come with me) I headed off to Vint’s do in the West End. Vint arrived just after me, which saved me some fuss at reception since we recognised each other straight away (having never met before) and headed in. It was mostly the Rezzable team, and I must offer them the biggest of thanks for showing me a great time last night.

It was rather dark inside, and my camera-phone, lacking a flash, couldn’t get any photos. However, a few people had some, and the results are expected to be passed out later today. Expect an update here or an additional post when they arrive.

London trip – Day 3

Thursday was a pretty amazing day!  I spent most of the time in the early part browsing the web for jobs, commenting on plurks and the like, but the evening was where it took off.

I wandered down to Euston station, where I was meeting friends in the pub upstairs. So anyway, shile some of them had been advised what to expect, not all had, so there were a couple of shocked faces. It was all good though, and later we went to the Great Nepalese restaurant for a meal, where we stayed until about 11:30. The only slip up was that one of the waiters called me ‘Sir’ once, but nobody seemed to notice and he didn’t repeat the error. I’ll but it down to an honest slip on his part. To be honest, my voice gives me away anyway, so I have to expect this sort of thing.

Still, I had fun, enjoyed my time and had a good meal and wine. What more can a girl ask for?

London trip – Day 2

Not much more to report really than was in the update. Spent a lazy afternoon and evening in, struggling with the new Eve client – it’s still not working and looks like a minimum of another 24 hours til it’s installed… and I have another machine to do when I get home.

Anyway, here’s a photo I took yesterday before going out shopping. Those who follow my plurks will already have seen it, but here goes for completeness sake. I hope you enjoy

Today’s plans are not much. Morning in, unless someone calls or I get bored. Job applications and the like to sort out. Got some laundry in too right now.

There’s the possibility of another friend visiting late afternoon, and then tonight, well that’s the fun part. Meeting some friends for drinks, and then, depending on time, either going to see a band or going out for a meal as a group. I’m kind of looking forward to that, a change of pace, and gives me something to do in terms of sorting out what to wear.

So anyways, I suppose my first task is to shower and wash my hair, then relax with a book, dvd or music for a while. And I suppose I should clean up breakfast dishes. I hate housework, but it doesn’t do itself.

Laters everyone.

London Trip – quick update

Went down to Sainsbury shopping. I didn’t get any comments, at least none that I could hear. People seem genuinely friendly, which is really surprising. You’d think London would be less so… Some guy got out of my way with a smile when I was there…  I wouldn’t get that at home.

I’m actually starting to enjoy myself.

London trip – Day 1

The day, after an awkward start went rather well. I slept late due to over-indulging on wine on Monday evening, and so got up with about 45 minutes to get ready and go, and this with a hangover. I knew I’d forget something, and it was the small lock I use on my rucksack/laptop bag. As a result, it pulled open under the weight and ejected my mouse and some cables. Fortunately, aside from some small scratches, there was no harm done.

Trains were running well, so I made good time and landed in Paddington just after 12:30, whereupon I took the underground to Euston Square and walked up to Mornington Crescent where I’m staying for the week.

Emma was tunning late, but arrived about 3, and we chatted, had some coffee and she was good enough to help me with my makeup. On the other hand, she did try to pinch my boots – they are rather cute – so. We were going to go shopping, but for one reason or another, mostly to do with the weather not being great, that didn’t happen, and we headed out about 5:45.

A friend had invited me to a meet-up in town, near Oxford Street, so Emma and I wandered off down there, had a few drinks and some food while waiting for my friend and flatmate. It was quite fun, but a little on the quiet side. Later we headed up to Camden Town for Emma’s group, where we stayed til about 10.

All in all, not a bad first day out, but it was evening and I had good company. Today it’s daylight and I’m alone, and I have to do some grocery shopping. It won’t be as hard as if I had to do this yesterday, but even so, I am nervous.

Sorry there are no photos, but Emma doesn’t like them, and my camera seemed a bit over complex for her.  Perhaps today/tonight. See how things go.

The butterfly effect

Well, not really of course, or else there’d be about a dozen tropical storms converging on Melbourne about now. I have so many butterflies in my stomach it’s be a collector’s wet dream. The nerves are really setting in.

It’s just before 2pm here, I am packed and all but ready to leave… not of course that I do leave until 8:45 tomorrow morning. Feeling all weird.

Early morning terrors.

It finally hit me this morning as a lay in bed – the enormity of what I have planned for this week. My excitement and nerves turned to real fear for once, and not the kind I already expected. A thousand questions ran through my mind… some real, some hypothetical. Last minute panic, stage fright if you prefer. It feels pretty bad, but in the light of day, the excitement is taking over again…

• Will I pass?
• How will people react?
• How will my old friends react?
• Will I have trouble from local youths?
• What will I do if anything bad happens?

I’m sure you understand what I mean. I’m not looking for sympathy from anyone, and the people who already know have been most supportive, with the possible exception of the ‘rents, who still think it’s some kind of kink.

Anyway more later… I have things to do.

Squeeeee!

It’s early on Saturday morning and I am awake and up. Too excited to sleep, and too much to do anyway. Before anything though, it’s coffee time, then a shower and shopping. I need a few things before next week including shoe polish, a sweater and bits.

Oh, did I mention, I am spending some time in London next week, meeting old friends and new, looking for work and the like. I’ve been before of course, but this is the first time I am going as a girl. Seven days with no way to back out. Once I get on that train, I am committed unless I go out and buy a whole new wardrobe when I’m there. Of course, I do this all the time at home alone and in SL, but never in public before – where I live is too dangerous – so this is a big step for me. The plan is to move to London more permanently later in the year (as soon as I get work) and live full time as a woman then. Luckily, I have a place to stay.

All I need to fix is my looks!

Needless to say I am rather excited about all this, and for the record, absolutely terrified! I so want it though, and if I am to go through with this gender transition then I need to start being public some time. Now is as good a time as any.